Say Something True: Clichés in Dialogue

Fantasy writers love a bit of drama; we are the kings and queens of drama. We are so used to having American or British accents declare do-or-die statements that it’s become part of our psyche. Those are the little voices that ring in our head when we write dialogue, they sound impressive, we write them down. Yet these vague and clichéd pronouncements when you really look at them have no substance, at the very least they amount to unhelpful advice, at the most they’re just fun to shout at your enemies.  But if our characters and their enemies really lived, these phrases are more likely to induce laughter rather than fear.

As writers, when we are not quite sure of the truth of the moment we fall back on clichés, when we should be avoiding them like a teen love song, locking them in a box, throwing away the key, collapsing a cave on the box and for good measure, probably set it on fire. You know the sort of pronouncements I’m talking about, I certainly found some in my manuscript:

All that was good and beautiful seemed to die in that moment when death won.

Seriously? That’s a little melodramatic isn’t it? And more than a little untrue. Death doesn’t win, it’s a natural force (unless it’s not, then you’ve got some serious world building to do). Clichés are those vague pronouncements that litter fantasy, and replace what should be said at important moments with generalisations that add no meaning to the story. The biggest cliché Isobelle found in my work was a sentence I repeated several times throughout my manuscript because I thought it was the sentence that defined Beverly and was her mantra for strength.

Destiny comes when one does not expect it. All you can do is accept it with grace, courage, wisdom and faith.

 Oh it was profound, it was impressive, it was a pile of meaningless crap. As I had correctly identified, it was a super important moment, but if you truly looked at the meaning of the sentence it had very little, it was the sort of cliché that is rife in fantasy (and gives fantasy a bad name).  ‘Destiny comes’, what is destiny but the future, and it is always coming, each choice and small moment leading onto the next. And was this man really telling Beverly this list of high virtues because he thought an eighteen year old could respond to some that scares the hell out of her, with ‘grace, courage, wisdom and faith’? Of course not! I don’t think any teenager in their right mind would claim this as good, reassuring advice, even a fictional one. They’d tell you to go jump first and report back to them on how it went. It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that a good story doesn’t need a catch phrase, it just needs the right truth in that moment.

As Isobelle said: I think you need to find a deeper more honest way to express the gravity of the moment than these words. Find something stronger for her to be told here, a thing that might be said to a soldier about to go out to face a war that will likely kill him, and yet which he must fight. Not platitudes or a cliché, but something true.

The main component where clichés will always find a way into your work is dialogue. Dialogue is a part of characterisation and clichés add nothing to the character. With any piece of dialogue you should be asking yourself, what are you trying to express about your characters here? Is anything real expressed or are they speaking only so you can convey information to your audience? If so then a precise explanation is more efficient than dialogue. If you have dialogue, it must add to our understanding of the character. Unless the point is that you character offers trite homilies and clichés instead of heartfelt comments or grim silence or genuine reassurances. Yes, clichés at times can be fine but only if it tells us something about the character. Very rarely do writers do it well, so it’s best avoided in general. Here are a couple of my ‘cliches’ so you can get a feel for them:

Cliché: Sometimes we are faced with hard decisions in life, we approach them as best we can but we cannot always get it right. Just remember why we are doing this. It won’t get easier, but hopefully in time you will be able to move on. (A series of trite clichés, when one real sounding sentence of reassurance would be far more effective.)

Redo: “Don’t you see? It was the betrayer that caused those deaths. We cannot always get it right, as much as we might plan and wish and hope til we are sick. I wish I could take that horrible feeling away for you.”

Cliché: When the soldiers pass out of earshot we must ride as swiftly as the wind.

Cliché: Don’t turn your back on the world because the road of life becomes more challenging. Only you can make your life count. Promise me you’ll try, don’t give up now. (The sentences before and after sound trite in this moment of pain, fear and distress.)

Cliché: “The outcome is always clouded,” I said, my voice sharp. “My knowledge is too limited, I don’t know how to seek such a destiny.” (At times it was necessary and proper for her to speak more formally, but here it was better that she spoke as Beverly and a young woman. ‘Seek such a destiny’ is a cliché and meaningless. Far better to have her say, ‘I can’t do what you want! I don’t know how!’)

Do you have trite or overused expressions in your writing? Or a character who’s dialogue is predictable? These are clichés. They are not restricted to sayings ‘Strong as an Ox’ or ‘Sadder but wiser’, they are words and phrases that have become overused to the point of losing their original meaning. Put your best cliché below.

Be on the lookout for those golden bits of dialogue in your writing, words that are wise, true and feel real, and try to emulate them elsewhere. I’ll end with a section in my manuscript, Priori, where Isobelle commented the words felt real.

 “Beverly,” the commanding tone in Elitree’s voice forced me to look up. He regarded me with a stern sympathy. “I know what is going through your mind but you have to hold those feelings at bay. Courage isn’t the absence of fear but the will to go on in the face of fear.  We knew what we were doing when we took you in.”

Forget Straight Description - Make It Dynamic

Before the mentorship I had a habit of separating description from action. “I had a habit”, it sounds like an addiction. I suppose it was in the way that addicts are in denial about it happening. But once Isobelle staged my ‘intervention’ I was spotting it all over the place.

    For some reason I’d gotten it into my head that I needed to build a picture before the character did anything. But without anything actually happening, your story kind of grinds to a standstill  and your perfect, original description starts to fall on bored ears. At best, the reader will skip the description to get to the action, never really know what the character looks like and hence won’t build a strong connection with them or the book. At worst, they’ll just stop reading.

     Thriller author J.C. Hutchens says, if you can have the same scene or conversation walking down the hall as you can standing still, then go for the walk down the hall every time. Because if your characters are in motion, the story is in motion.

    The same can be said for description, if you can weave the description into the action, then the pace does not suddenly hit a brick wall and fall on its bum.  Below I separated my description of these magickal (yes with a ‘k’) creatures from the action, and recited their history rather than have my main character Beverly interact with the woman next to her. In the recast I tried to follow Isobelle’s suggestion of describing the creatures as they served, and making Beverly have a real conversation so the reader could meet the friendly person next to her more fully. Which do you think is more dynamic?

Original: The servitors were most obviously magickal creatures. Small multilayered, pointed ears complimented three thin red strips down their elongated nose. A thick white mane and tufted tail merged into the soft tan fur. They were called Frijipuffs. Cheerfully they brought out the food, singing softly as they did so. Adept Fidleton informed me that they usually lived in caves on the side of mountains, hence why they appeared so timid. However the unavoidable events caused by the Ruhle occupation sent all magickal creatures into hiding. The Frijipuffs had no place they could retreat to so some used Oceana as their permanent residence in exchange for services.

Recast: The servitors when they appeared were most obviously magickal creatures. They brought out the food, singing softly and balanced a plate on each furry hand. One of the little creatures came up next to me and reached over to place the serving plates in the middle of the table. Its small multilayered, pointed ears were complimented by three red strips down its elongated nose. A thick white mane and tufted tail - draped delicately over one arm - merged into the soft tan fur.

    “These lovely servitors are known as Frijipuffs,” said Adept Fidleton reaching out to place some sliced Vregietop and steaming pie on the plate in front of her. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have come across them before.”

     I shook my head and ventured, “No, I’ve never even heard of them in any of the books I’ve read.”

    She dug into her food with relish. “No you wouldn’t, they were very timid when they were on the surface, they use to live in caves on the side of sheer mountain cliffs. But the Ruhle occupation sent every magickal creature into hiding.”

    “Why are they serving the meals then?” I asked, watching three of the Frijipuffs perform a little harmony, their expression joyous, before filing back through the small door.

    “They had nowhere to retreat that would protect them from the Ruhle’s weapon, so some used Oceana as their permanent residence in exchange for services. Just like students are expected to help maintain Creana to pay for part of their studies.”

Now the reader knows a little more about Adept Fidleton who has never been properly introduced and would have just been a ‘talking hand’ otherwise. It may be easier on you to recount the information, but it’s more boring for the reader. It’s like food, you don’t want them to rearrange the meal you spent six hours (or six years!) cooking, you want them to hoe in!

    Below is a passage from my manuscript that Isobelle had marked a being golden (as in well written) because it integrated description with action.

     “Nuts, dead end again.” Satinay’s finger jabbed out to poke the very solid brick wall.

    “What does the map say?” I sighed shifting my heavy satchel from one shoulder to the other for the umpteenth time.

    “Completely blank.” Cypress held the carefully folded piece of paper flat. His medallion lay on the bare skin of his chest, just visible above the v of his shirt. Finger crooked, he hooked a Line of Power imbedded in the paper and scrolled through the various sections of the castle map.

    “So we’ve wandered into a forbidden section again?” I let my bag fall to the ground with a thud, slumping against the offending dead end.

     A nose appeared suddenly on the wall next to me followed by a shaggy beard and then the slouched body of a third year apprentice fully emerged, walking through the wall as though it were made of cobwebs. He gave us an aggravated look, eyebrows bunched in suspicion before shuffling down the corridor.

Do you describe a character before the action? Take a scene from your book and try breaking that up. Post the rewrite below if you feel bold!

E-Book Revolution Mini-Podcast: Chat With World Fantasy Convention Author Myke Cole

At last we get to the final E-Book Revolution Podcast from last year's World Fantasy Convention in Toronto - in this mini-podcast we diverge into the realms of fantasy authors and writing. For those listeners who are unaware I am a fantasy author and early 2012 I was awarded a grant by the South Australian Government to attend the World Fantasy Convention. The final mini-podcast from that convention is with Myke Cole.

Each mini-podcast has myself and a prominent fantasy author aiming to answer ten questions in twenty minutes covering a range of topics including writing, the digital revolution, avoiding procrastination and their own writing. Finally we end with a mystery question...dum-dum-dum!!!!

Myke Cole is an american action, fantasy author of the Shadow Ops Series. As a security contractor, government civilian and military office, Myke's career has run the gamut from Counterterrorism to Cyber Warfare to Federal Law Enforcement. He's done three tours in Iraq and was recalled to serve during the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. All that conflict can wear a guy out. Thank goodness for fantasy novels, comic books, late night games of Dungeons and Dragons and lots of angst fuelled writing. His latest novel, released in February, is a Shadow Ops Series book 'Fortress Frontier'. You can get in contact with him via Facebook and Twitter.

In this podcast we discuss:

• How his mother's childhood urging got him into writing
• How D&D lead him to becoming a 'warrior'
• How he moved from a military career to writing
• That there is no BIG break
• Why persistence is key
• How he stalked his (later) agent at a convention (& why he purposefully talked about everything other than writing)
• Why there is no way around one important factor - writing a killer book
• How he combats the loneliness of writing
• Giving yourself permission to write a shitty first draft
• The fact that there is no right or wrong way to start a writing career.
• How much help his military background gives him in writing action scenes.
• What we can learn from Frodo
• His goal to write a romance under his own name

PLUS the all important MYSTERY QUESTION.

I love hearing from Listeners and readers so please drop me a line at ebookrevolution (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Download this episode (right click and save)

In 2011-2012 Emily undertook a twelve month mentorship with fantasy author Isobelle Carmody. Emily blogs about fantasy writing and the lessons she learnt from Isobelle at http://theoriginalfantasy.blogspot.com.au. Emily's trip to the World Fantasy Convention could not be possible without the assistance of the South Australian Government through the Carclew Youth Arts Board. Thank you Carclew for the opportunity.

The companion website for this podcast is http://ebookrevolution.podbean.com 

Character & Voice - Get It Right Before your Character Smacks You Over The Head

It is with absolute authority that I can say having two eighteen year olds and a twenty-three year old on top of you is about as comfortable as metal underwear. ~Beverly Jordan, Priori-The Power Within.

You’d think finding the right voice for your character wouldn’t be hard. I mean you can speak, you can sing off-key, you know that your friends speak differently, you’ve got that memory of the conversation you all had last week about transvestites that gives you a wealth of expressions and tones to work with. Too bad you only remember the gist of what they were saying; it just doesn’t come off right when you word it. It doesn’t sound like them. Perhaps you’re better off acting; at least you can hear that Scottish twang you’re trying to infuse in your words. Everyone phrases things differently, chooses the same words and rearranges them in a way that is their own, so when you hear the words spoken you can pick exactly who it is. Blindfolded and upside down. Yes, real world dialogue is that different.

      Many times you’ll find the right character voice doesn’t kick in until part way along, when you’re in the thick of the story. Then your character throws a tantrum and asks why you’ve been paraphrasing this whole time rather than damn well just writing down what they say! One of the problems with fantasy is people choose an archaic, poetic way of having characters express themselves and it’s so stiff it crushes all the vivacity out of them, like you’ve kicked them out of an aeroplane and used what’s left. A flat pancake of a character.

      The golden example above was a favourite of Isobelle’s, she correctly identified it as the point when my character finally got some kick and the character stopped being a carbon copy of every other fantasy heroine. The sentence was very real, and the emotion felt right. The problem was the sentence sat very strangely alongside the more stilted and formals things Beverly did and said, even after the point the real Beverly appeared, I had written a sort of formalness into her interactions like the example below:

“Someone didn’t learn any manners as a child,” I glared at the girl’s receding back. (This sounds WAY too old for a teenage character, and much too formal. If I were to match this to the feisty character above, Beverly should be saying something along the lines of “Clumsy cow!” or “Who was that?!”)

      The voice at the start of the blog was feistier and more interesting then the girl who I had made meek and scared and occasionally pitiful. The question was why? Why did I make her that way to start with? I dug deep (and had to use an Olympic stadium floodlight to see) but realised I had thought it made for better emotional drama. What I didn’t realise, even though each of my favourite authors did this, was that having a feisty character scared, when they are not usually so, or having a brave character devastated, is very strong. Even if I wanted the book to encompass her journey from weakness to strength I still needed moments when I allowed her future strength to be foreshadowed. So when I did my last rewrite, I focused on Beverly’s voice, her real one, and made sure it was present.

      So go back to your manuscript and find the first bit of character dialogue that truly shows the real character, the one sentence where you just read it and get a sense that “Yes! This is them!” Put the sentence below and see if we can see the character just as strongly. To give you an example, below is one of my favourite examples of a character jumping out of the page, from author Frances Hardinge:

“But names are important!” the nursemaid protested. “Yes,” said Quillam Mye. “So is accuracy.” – Fly By Night, Frances Hardinge.

The Problem of Evil

I always ran, hoping I’d out run the evil. The one that was going to swallow me if I couldn’t get out of its sight.  ~ Beverly Jordan, Priori- The Power Within 2011

Evil. It’s a pretty problematic word in fantasy because it’s overused and most often because the writer can’t be bothered explaining it clearly or more often then not just threw it in there for a little drama. There is a mentality in fantasy that you don’t need to explain evil, everyone knows what evil is right? Guy who organises genocide – Evil. Guy who murders a man to marry his wife – Evil. Guy who steals food and a tellie from a poor family of ten – Evil. Guy who kicks over a sandcastle a little girl spend three hours building – Evil. Channel Ten cancelling Castle for a football game – Evil. Ah yes, now we begin to see that not all evils are equal… The world is not all black and white my young Jedi for there are shades of evil and each reader has a different definition. 

Evil is has become a blanket term or a label, like ‘good’ or ‘heroic’ which is often merely a way for the writer not have to explain why the person is good or heroic. Why is it evil, how did it get there, how do you notice it, how does it affect people, is it worse at different times, why is it worse, what gets evil’s goat, why does it cut their façade? Above, in my pre-mentor time, I just threw in a vague feeling, without explaining what the evil was, how it manifested, why it would bother to swallow her whole, and by the way, for a good writer the answer is never “That’s just what it does. It’s evil man!” If you use such a word, be careful to use it in an explicit way, such as the change I made below.

This post is short and sweet and to the point. It is not an overcomplicated point, you just need to be aware that these labels, this crutch of overused terms exists and you need to be strong enough to throw it away and walk on your own two feet to get the great story. Good enough should never be in your vocabulary.

I always ran, hoping I’d out run the evil. That menacing shade that made the villagers secretive and dampened the spirit of every adult I had ever met. The one that was going to swallow me whole like it had them, leaving only an echo of who I was if I couldn’t get out of its sight.  ~Beverly Jordan, Priori-The Power Within 2012.

Does your book include villians? Tell us what made them evil and how that drives them now.

Choosing The Right Erection – Wait! I Mean ‘Word’

It is wise always to look at the words you use closely, because the standard of writing is lifted immensely by anyone prepared to take the time to search for exactly the right word. It sounds mad but I have sometimes spent a whole day just trying to describe something as faithfully and well as I can. – Advice from Isobelle Carmody to me.

On first glance it seems a very involved bit of advice for the phrase ‘My breath rattled’. “Which is fine,” Isobelle assured me in this instance, “However, it is used a LOT in writing and it’s wise to always look at the words you use closely…” She is right of course.

A single word can change the tone of an entire paragraph, it can confuse a reader, create the wrong image, or just prove that we don’t know our dictionary meanings very well. This is the nuts and bolts of writing, this is how a reader knows you are a great writer rather then a good storyteller, this is how a book gets added to the favourites list to be reread rather then read and forgotten.

Sometimes, finding the right word sucks balls.

But it’s worth it. I always find examples are the best way to really drum a lesson into the head (particularly one that your ego would rather not learn) so below are a few of my ‘less considered’ writing moments of the past that I’ve learned from and used to grow my spidee-sense for the badly chosen word.

The Wrong Tone:

One word in the wrong tone can throw off a whole page. You may have worked hard to build the tension, create danger and then you use that one word and suddenly your atmosphere and your characterisation come unravelled…

Original: The distant sound of jiggling weapons…

IC Advice: Jiggling seems wrong; you need a more threatening word for the sound of weapons make when their bearers run with them. (Yep, I had just created the Santa Claus version of war, correction made)

Original: Charlie reached out stabilising me as I slipped sideways, my body unable to support itself, and shifted next to me so I could lean on him.

IC Advice: Seems rather a formal lot of words for a brother steadying his distraught younger sister. This word choice is affecting characterisation – these words do not suggest the tenderness and concern of a good older brother for his younger sister. Try to make the words you choose echo what is being said in tone. (Somehow he had become a robot brother, damn, probably happened because I only have sisters… well that’s my excuse. Correction made)

Rewritten: Unable to support myself my body slipped sideways. Alarmed, Charlie rushed in to steady me. He drew me into his chest. I collapsed against him, grateful for his warm arms and their tender support.

Original: They kept the Empire on its toes and in most cases just barely kept the Empire form randomly executing people.

IC Advice: Again look at the tone of these words, this is a cosy colloquial sort of phrase and seems oddly matched with this Empire. (Damn clichés being the first words to come into my head, must remember to catch and destroy before they embed themselves in the page, correction made.)

Reader Confusion & Unintended Images:

Applying the wrong action to a person or animal or giving emotions/emotional description to an inanimate object can stop a reader in their tracks (hmm, that just doesn’t match). I now see it as a sign that I didn’t have a clear picture in my head before I began writing.

Original: We pulled our mounts to a furtive stop behind a thick hedge.

IC Advice: Are they leading the horses or on them- leading would make more sense given the need for stealth. I would cut ‘furtive’ it is implied and voicing it makes us wonder how mounts can be furtively pulled. (Instant image of a cartoon character tip-toeing while leading a horse wearing slippers. It seemed to make so much sense in my head, if only I’d transferred it correctly to the page. Right again Isobelle, correction made)

Original: Rusted and old, the shed embodied everything I hated about my mother, the cold separation, the rotting interior.

IC Advice: I am not sure the words ‘cold separation’ can be applied to a hut, perhaps ‘the cold shell’, ‘the hard carapace’ or maybe simply have her want to destroy something to vent her rage, and do it. (If the hut is embodying the things she hated then I needed words that befitted a hut as well as a person, not words that projected emotions onto an inanimate shell.)

New: Rusted and old, the shed embodied everything I hated about my mother, the cold shell, and empty heart.

Original: The warm, loving embrace of the light from the earth’s two suns, Kelt and Vorx, enfolded me.

IC Advice: Be careful of using emotional terms like ‘loving’ for physical phenomena, it can seem mawkish. (Perhaps it comes from me believing my teddies loved me as a child. Correction made)

Original: Little by little a crackly voice inched its way slowly through my ears.

IC Advice: This is awkward, ‘crackly’ is vague and sound does not ‘inch’ and ‘into’ would be better than ‘through’. (Unless the character had a tunnel from one ear to the other, Isobelle was completely right. Correction made)

Original: Muttered curses exploded from one voice mere inches from the cave entrance…

IC Advice: A voice does not explode. A curse might explode from someone, or muttered curses might explode mere inches from the cave.

Using Words That Are Unnatural In Normal Conversation

Original: “You see Bev…”

IC Advice: To use the name of someone close over and over is unnatural- if you think about it, we almost don’t use the names of people we know to their faces, and only use the name to call them or to refer to them. (If I kept using my partner’s name every time I spoke to him I’m pretty sure he would sit me down with a cold compress and a gag until the phase passed. Correction made.)

Words Where We Forgot The Meanings (Or Alternate Meanings)

In the quest for an unusual word to spice up the prose we sometimes pick words that don’t cut the mustard.

Original: Within seconds of it leaving my mouth I saw her form swarm up through the water dragon and out of one of its claws.

IC Advice: Swarm suggests the movement of more than one, of many in fact. Perhaps use ‘rise’.

Finally, to end I’d like to give you an example where the literal meaning of a word has quite the alternate meaning in the modern vocabulary. Hopefully it gives you a big smile to carry with you for the rest of the day…

Original:  “That is Oceana Academy,” said Satinay excitedly, pointing towards the majestic erection before us.

IC Advice: Hmmm, edifice/construct/demesne might be better…(Oh dear, sorry Isobelle)

E-Book Revolution Mini-Podcast: Chat With World Fantasy Convention Author Mindy Klasky

Over the next month the E-Book Revolution Podcast is going to diverge into the realms of fantasy authors and writing. For those listeners who are unaware I am a fantasy author and early this year I was awarded a grant by the South Australian Government to attend the World Fantasy convention. The final two mini-podcasts are with authors from that convention.

Each mini-podcast has myself and a prominent fantasy author aiming to answer ten questions in twenty minutes covering a range of topics including writing, the digital revolution, avoiding procrastination and their own writing. Finally we end with a mystery question...dum-dum-dum!!!!

Today's World Fantasy author is the charming Mindy Klasky. Mindy Klasky is an American fantasy novelist.After graduating from Princeton University, Mindy considered becoming a professional stage manager or a rabbi.  Ultimately, though, she settled on being a lawyer, working as a litigator at a large Washington firm.  When she realized that lawyering kept her from writing (and dating and sleeping and otherwise living a normal life), Mindy became a librarian, managing large law firm libraries. In addition to her Harlequin Special Editions, Mira, and Red Dress Ink books, Mindy has written traditional fantasy novels for Roc (including the award-winning, best-selling The Glasswrights’ Apprentice), short stories, and nonfiction essays. Mindy now writes full time.

In this podcast we discuss:

• How fan fiction got Mindy into fantasy writing
• How she got her agent from a book in the library
• How to survive an agent breaking up with you
• The benefits of doing spot research rather then going 'in depth' before you begin writing
• How to handle publicity and create a marketing plan
• The importance of marketing goals
• And the importance of diversifying your writing career

PLUS the all important MYSTERY QUESTION.

I love hearing from Listeners and readers so please drop me a line at ebookrevolution (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Download this episode (right click and save)

In 2011-2012 Emily undertook a twelve month mentorship with fantasy author Isobelle Carmody. Emily blogs about fantasy writing and the lessons she learnt from Isobelle at http://theoriginalfantasy.blogspot.com.au. Emily's trip to the World Fantasy Convention could not be possible without the assistance of the South Australian Government through the Carclew Youth Arts Board. Thank you Carclew for the opportunity.

The companion website for this podcast is http://ebookrevolution.podbean.com